Suburban Dad Pop

‘What rough beast, its hour come at last

Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born’

-W.B. Yeats, The Second Coming

Time is a subjective notion. How do we truly gauge what it means and how do we keep it from slipping through our hands? What do we do when our time is up and our reckoning has come at last?

For Jim Harbaugh, the embattled and controversial coach of the University of Michigan, who will not be on the sidelines for the 118^th version of ‘The Game’, the aforementioned Yeats poem may mean more to him, as perhaps his judgement day has arrived. Will we see Harbaugh, current suspension aside, on the Maize and Blue sideline again? Do his recent successes outweigh the multiple controversies and investigations surrounding his program? Will he jettison his alma mater for a return to the NFL? I certainly don’t have the answer to these question, but I am certain that if his tenure at Michigan is over, that it didn’t have to end this way.

Harbaugh’s current three game suspension, imposed by the Big 10 Conference, still leaves him and his program susceptible to further NCAA punishment. The current suspension also has no relation to the ongoing investigation surrounding Harbaugh allegedly lying to NCAA investigators related to recruiting violations or the concurrent investigation involving former Co-Offensive Coordinator Matt Weiss potentially committing computer crimes inside of the University of Michigan Football Facilities. There will also almost certainly be an investigation related to accusations of Michigan linebackers coach Chris Partridge being fired for coaching current Wolverine players on what to say to NCAA investigators.

The Big House? More like a Big House of Cards.

So, if it didn’t have to be this way, what could have prevented these controversies from all blossoming inside the same ten month stretch? For starters, beating Ohio State more often, which the two game (and almost certainly tainted) win streak aside, does little to quell Michigan’s woeful record of 4-17 since Jim Tressel’s fabled halftime speech in 2001.

The pressure of consistently losing a rivalry game while watching said rival win multiple NCAA Championships, caused major missteps for the Michigan program, including the tenures of head coaches Rich Rodriguez and Brady Hoke, the controversial reign of Athletic Director Dave Brandon, as well as being on the receiving end of arguably the biggest upset in NCAA football history.

In their time of need and in their darkest hour, the Wolverines needed, as former Woody Hayes assistant coach turned Michigan head coach Bo Schembechler once said, a ‘Michigan Man’, to lead them and lo and behold, their Hail Mary pass was completed, and they got one.

In late 2014, after a successful, but tumultuous tour as head coach of the San Francisco 49ers, Jim Harbaugh returned to Ann Arbor, and a decade later, his chickens have followed him home to roost. Initially, the hiring seemed like a home run as Harbaugh, a former Wolverine quarterback with a 2-0 starting record against Ohio State, seemingly knew the formula to beat Ohio State. However, after losing his first five rivalry games, a Covid season in which he was accused of cancelling the matchup, and after several NFL franchises rejected his advances to returning to the professional ranks, the pressure of winning became to much, and something wicked made its way to Ann Arbor.

The many scandals that have led Harbaugh to this juncture seem Shakespearean in prose and Nixonian in practice. The Shakespearean arc being that the alum who returned home and finally found a way to beat the rival, may lose it all as his Nixonian practice of spying on his opponent, when he didn’t need to, may bring the program the Michigan Man was sent to save, to its knees.

I am a proud Ohio State graduate, a faithful Buckeye fan, and a former adjunct faculty member, so admittedly, my objectiveness is non-existent. However, if the Horseshoe was on the other foot, I would like to think I could put my allegiances aside and stay rooted in the reality and facts of the situation. I concede that Urban Meyer is seemingly not a good person and would admit that his potential harboring of an underling with a history of domestic violence was worthy of suspension.

Even if Urban went 7-0 against the Wolverines, I am glad he is gone and am semi-embarrassed that the local media runs to him anytime a soundbite is needed. Over the last 22 years, our coaches, not due to any air of moral superiority but because of being better at their jobs, did not need to concoct an elaborate ruse to live scout and videotape opponents, destroy computers, or instruct players to lie to the NCAA to gain and maintain a competitive advantage.

The sign stealing scandal is intricate in nature, bombastic in scope, and arrogant in its openness, which begs the question, how did the Wolverines think they could get away with this? My personal theory is that Harbaugh’s appearance on Saved By The Bell: The College Years (not even the good version of the show) as Screech’s cousin, may have had something to do with it.

Maybe in his moment of doubt, Harbaugh thought to himself, as we all have, ‘what would Zack Morris do’? And with no Mr. Belding to corral his instincts, Harbaugh’s Zack Morris hatched his plan and found his Screech in Connor Stallions.

Of course I kid, but after the absurdity of Harbaugh bringing a glove to Wrigley Field, sitting in the audience for Judge Judy tapings, spending the night with potential recruits, and CONSTANTLY flirting with the NFL would you really be surprised? Those facts, combined with the current investigations and more profound accusations of trying to cover up a player’s gun charge while pushing recruiting boundaries with satellite camps and overseas trips, should leave even the most fervent of the Wolverine faithful to admit that perhaps Harbaugh’s juice just ain’t worth the squeeze. Even if he is a Michigan Man.

Wait, Screech scratch that. ESPECIALLY if he is a Michigan Man.

Being able to concede when your team, whether in politics, religion, or sports, screws up is fundamental to being a rational person and Buckeye fan base is not immune to this disorder as we have plenty of Boomers who still pledge allegiance to Jim Tressel and as a shit ton of divorced dads and drunk uncles who want nothing more than to see Urban Meyer return to our sidelines.

Gross.

The difference in ethos, between the two programs, is that Ohio State has no cultural mythology of needing our own version of the Michigan Man. If this was Caddyshack, we are Danny Noonan and they are Judge Smails, and as a caddy, watching the Ann Arbor Country Club burn to the ground has been nothing short of magnificent.

All of the Wolverines proselytizing about being above the fray and playing by the rules, as well as their self-aggrandizing belief of cultural superiority, has been for decades, outside of the state of Michigan, seen as pretensions, pompous, and insincere and now, in the strange, aloof, bespectacled blink of a Michigan Man’s eye, that myth has permanently been dispelled.

Maybe the Wolverines need another Ohio State assistant coach to get them back on track.